In the recent blog 5 Things To Know About Trauma, I discussed how trauma can show up in ways that we might not deem as traumatic because it wasn’t a big enough event. Many of the examples I gave were related to parent-child attachment. I often hear, “why is it always the parents’ fault?” My answer is that the parent is the #1 influence on a child. Sure, the child can be hurt by something that happened at school or something scary they saw on TV, but the majority of what the child absorbs comes from the parents.
If we look at this from the lens of a child’s perspective, it can be helpful to understand it better. Let’s say you are 5 years old. To your 5 years old self, you can’t wait to show off how fast you can run in your new shoes or ask mom a million questions starting with the word why. Your parents are super cool and are the ones who are responsible for meeting your needs (feeding you, clothing you, giving you a home, etc.). Since they are super cool and give you stuff, naturally, you want to keep them happy. So when a parent tells you to play in your room by yourself while they care for your little brother, you do it to make them happy and sacrifice your own happiness. Your 5 year old self feels like they are being forgotten but wants to make mom and dad happy, so they learn to play in their room. You also know later Mom and Dad will tell you how proud they are that you played by yourself. Your 5 year old self doesn’t have the language for why you feel forgotten, so it’s hard for your parents to understand that you feel lonely. So what can a parent do not to cause trauma?
2. Accept that you are going to fall short.
As uncomfortable as this might sound, you will do something to mess up your child. Why? Because you are human and imperfect. This is okay. You are doing the best you can with what you know. In the 80s, we were letting kids be in cars without seatbelts. At the time, they all thought they were being safe. It turns out they weren’t. Over time we learned more about car safety and made corrections. You don’t know what you don’t know. You can’t protect your kids from everything. However, you can listen to your children and make changes. Modeling imperfection and being open to learning is great for your kids.
3. Be open to feedback
When your child comes to you and says you’ve hurt their feelings, give them space to process it with you. Apologize and say how you will do better next time. It’s your job to sit in your shame or guilt, process this with another adult (like a therapist), and model to them owning up to a mistake. Repairs are about mending the relationship. Trauma can be caused by not being able to make a repair. It’s a lot easier for a person to heal from trauma when the person who hurt them is willing to repair it. Otherwise, they are healing on their own.
When you notice that you’ve hurt them, say something to them before they say something to you about it. This fosters a space for repairing the relationship. The impact of the hurt lessens when we acknowledge the pain we caused.
Side note: Just because it didn’t feel like a big deal to you doesn’t mean it wasn’t a big deal to them. Put yourself in their shoes. You know what is a big deal to your child when you pay attention to them. Knowing their likes and dislikes is a part of attuning to your child.
Parenting is hard and you are going to mess up. Own it and make the repair. Part of being a parent is sitting in the uncomfortable when you make a mistake and accepting that you will make a mistake. The beauty is many things in life can be repaired. When you repair a relationship, they grow stronger. Imagine having a strong relationship with your child instead of being a perfect parent (which sounds exhausting).
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