As a couples therapist, I’ve witnessed the transformational power of open and honest communication. I have also witnessed the other side of relationships where each partner assumes they are on the same page, only to wake up 5 or 10 years later arguing over topics like kids, money, and relationship roles. These topics are crucial to have before you get married to ensure the success of your relationship. Every couple should have five essential conversations before they say I do.
1. Money
Money is a topic, not many people want to talk about. It feels very vulnerable because it’s tied to your basic needs and future desires. There are many ways to value money. Some people grow up pinching every penny, others are more in the moment spend it when you get it mentality, and everything in between. How you spend or save money should be discussed and continue to be addressed throughout the relationship. We each have a story about how we value money, and understanding how your partner values money tells you a lot about their past. For example, one partner grew up with generational wealth and feels comfortable making big purchases, while the other has anxiety about big purchases and often pushes them off. This difference in view of money causes strain in the relationship. They each don’t understand why the other is acting the way they do. When you learn the why behind their behaviors, you can then have a better understanding of your partner and their needs. The anxious partner might need more information on the big purchase to feel comfortable with it, and the other partner can help ease those anxieties.
Consider this chat as an investment in your future. Sit down and share your financial philosophies, spending habits, and long-term goals. Discuss how you’ll manage joint finances, allocate expenses, and address potential debts. Transparency in money matters builds trust and ensures you’re both on the same page when it comes to financial decisions.
2. Boundaries in Relationships
Discussing the boundaries in a relationship is important because it further strengthens your connection to your partner. Discussing what is okay or not okay to do in and out of the relationship is essential. Things to consider: Where is the line of intimacy you can have with an outside person? Is causal flirting okay? What about dancing? What about sex with someone outside your marital relationship? Your relationship can look like however the two of you agree for it to look like. There should be a continual discussion about these boundaries.
3. House Chores
The ultimate test of teamwork! Have an open discussion about how household responsibilities will be shared. Understanding each other’s preferences and responsibilities is essential, creating a chore system that feels fair and balanced. This conversation sets the stage for a harmonious home life. Discuss your likes and dislikes of the chores you prefer. Does one partner hate cooking but loves to vacuum? Play to your strengths and tag team on your weaknesses. Discuss what cleanliness looks like because we all have different ideas of what clean is.
4. Kids and Family Planning
First, discuss if you even want kids. Not everyone wants kids these days. It’s becoming more common not to have kids. Talk about your desires for starting a family, parenting styles, and how you’ll balance work and family life. This conversation helps align your visions and expectations for the future. These conversations offer insights into your shared visions and help you navigate potential areas of agreement or difference. While you can never truly be fully prepared to have children, you can have an understanding of your and your partner’s visions for what starting a family looks like.
5. Future Goals
As a couple, you’re embarking on a shared journey. Discuss your individual and collective goals, whether they involve travel, career aspirations, or retirement plans. This conversation helps weave your aspirations into a beautifully interconnected tapestry of shared dreams.
Remember, these conversations aren’t just about ticking off checkboxes – they’re about building a foundation of understanding, trust, and shared visions. Embrace these discussions as opportunities to grow closer, strengthen your bond, and embark on your marriage journey with hearts wide open. These conversations should be revisited frequently because life changes as you get older, and so do your wants and needs.
What other conversations do you feel it’s important to have before you get married?
Need help navigating these conversations with your partner? Couple therapy might be a good choice for you. Find out more here!
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