Divorce is never an easy process, especially when you have kids. A lot of couples say they will stay together until the kids are out of school. They put on fake smiles and argue behind closed doors. They think their kids are oblivious to their marital problems, they aren’t though. Kids are very intuitive. Part of their brain’s function is to attune to their caregivers’ mood as a means of survival. Your kids know when you are fighting. As much as you try to hide it they see it in your face and they notice your irritability. When children hear adults fight (your walls aren’t as thick as you think they are) they learn to be quiet. I’ve heard countless stories of the eldest child running to the room of the youngest child to console them while their parents fight. All while the adults are too wrapped up in their own quarrels to notice their children being terrified.
Ideally, when you think about the options of divorce you’ve been through the steps of couples counseling to try to work through your problems. Yes, parents staying together is good for children but not if you are creating an unhealthy environment for the kids. Some kids do better when their parents get divorced because their parents are happier. When the parents are happier the kids are less stressed. How do you have a healthy divorce? Here are 6 things to you can do to have a healthier divorce.
1. Consider Discernment Counseling
There is such a thing as divorce counseling. In couples counseling, the goal is to keep the relationship moving forward in a healthy direction. In discernment counseling, the goal is to end the relationship in a healthy way. In discernment counseling, you can discuss things like how life will look moving forward, co-parenting, and what getting closure looks like.
2. Let The Kids Ask Questions
By creating a space where they can ask questions you can address the concerns that matter to them instead of guessing what’s going on for them. When getting a divorce a lot of times we forget to think about how kids think. You might think they are worried about where they are going to go to school but really they might be worried about if they are still going to have Taco Tuesdays. Letting them ask questions takes the guesswork out of how your kids are at.
3. Be Honest & Don’t Overshare
When answering your kid’s questions about the divorce be honest but don’t overshare. Your job isn’t to put your problem on to them by telling them all the detail about why the marriage went wrong. When considering how much to tell them ask yourself if is it helpful for them to know this. They might ask questions that the answers make them become upset. It then becomes your job to validate their feelings.
If they ask a question that gets too much into the nitty gritty of how things went wrong you are allowed to say you don’t feel comfortable answering that question and get curious as to why they want to know. This models boundaries and interest in your child’s thoughts and feelings.
4. Don’t put them in the middle
Never make your child communicate for you. If you are discussing who is going to pick up your kid, it’s to be with the other caretaker of the child. Do not ask your child to coordinate their own care, that’s your job.
5. Let them have a say in things that involve them
During a divorce, it’s common for kids to feel like they have lost all control over their lives. Giving them a say in things that involve them can give them a sense of control. For example, they get to pick out a paint color for their new room. They get to decide what toys they want at dad’s house and which ones stay at mom’s.
Checking in with them about how they feel about the custody agreement. You are the adult and you decided how the caretaking gets to look but it’s a good idea to check in with them about how it’s going.
6. When One Parent Is Difficult Be The Safe Space
When one parent struggles with untreated mental health issues or substance issues it’s common for it to be a high-conflict divorce. This is difficult because you can’t control the other parent. Maybe the parent’s alcoholism causes them to miss your kid’s big basketball game. Your job isn’t to make excuses for the other parent’s behavior or be judgemental about it, instead, you can validate how disappointed they feel. You can’t protect your children from all the bad in the world but you sit in that space with them. You can discuss boundaries and expectations to place with that parent. It’s heartbreaking and you can become the safe place for them to express their feelings.
Ultimately you want to create a space for them to come to you with any questions or concerns they might have, even if it’s about you. You can check with them to ask if there is anything they want you to work on that maybe you are missing. This teaches them that feedback is important for the health of the relationship. There is a line between asking for feedback and relying on your kids to tell you when you’ve messed up. It’s important you become aware of your mistakes and own them.
Divorce doesn’t have to be as horrible as some people make it. There are parents out there who are better at co-parenting than they were at being married. If you keep your child’s well-being in mind in every decision you make regarding your divorce that will serve as a good guidepost.
*Something to note is these guidelines may change depending on the age and development of your child.
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