So you’ve gone to therapy, and your therapist tells you to try this new coping skill, You do it, but it doesn’t work. Does this mean you are a failure? No. Does this mean the coping skill is never going to work? No. How do you get the most out of your coping skills? Here are three things to keep in mind.
1. It’s not going to work in every situation.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try, your coping skills don’t work. This doesn’t mean it will never work. It just means this time, it didn’t work. Put it in your back pocket for another day. This is why it’s essential to have serval coping skills so that when one doesn’t work, you have more you can try. It also may be that your coping skills aren’t appropriate for every situation. For example, if you run to get your anxiety out, getting up in the middle of a work meeting for a run is probably not the time. Instead, you might try bilateral tapping or a stress ball.
2. Sometimes you have to use multiple coping skills.
In some cases, you may be in such a heightened state of emotions that you need to use two or three different coping skills to bring you back down. If you are on the verge of a panic attack and you start to use your deep breathing, but it only calms you down a little, you may need to move on to something else. So you begin to move your body, which helps more, and you feel less anxious, but when you do a body scan, you notice you still feel anxious, so you go back to deep breathing.
3. Headspace Matters
If you have a coping skill that can also be destructive, your headspace at the time of using the coping skill matters. For example, if working out is a way to manage your anxiety but also struggle with your body image, it might not be a good idea to do a workout in front of a mirror when you are having a bad body image day. Be mindful of where you are at. Instead, try going for a walk outside. Having effective coping skills is about knowing your triggers.
How you speak to yourself matters. If your coping skill doesn’t work, correct your thinking from “ugh I can never do anything right!” to “you tried it, and it didn’t work. That’s okay.” Getting mad at yourself for your coping skills not working isn’t going to help. It will only make it worse.
Something to know about coping skills is they don’t make the problem go away. In my office, I hear people say all the time, “I’m doing my coping skills, but my depression is still there.” That’s because coping skills are not the cure for depression. They simply help you widen your window of tolerance so that you can begin to explore the feelings and memories associated with your depression. Coping skills help you get through the day. Processing and understanding your depression, trauma, attachment, etc., is where the healing happens.
Keep using your coping skills even when they don’t work, and don’t be afraid to try out new ones. You can never have too many. Don’t be afraid to get creative. When you are ready to take a deeper dive, sign up for therapy.
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