How To Set Boundaries

If you been following along with me you now know the when, where, why, what of boundaries. Today we will talk about how to set boundaries.

1. First, listen to your body’s response to know when to set boundaries.

• You can learn more about when to know when to set boundaries in my previous blog. When these sensations happen, try to trace the cause. Was it a sound, smell, feeling? A person, a song, a tone of voice? The “how” of boundaries starts with a two-part process: responding to the feels and tracing the trigger. 
  • A. Chills – what’s fearful? What just scared or haunted you? Try going to the bathroom and taking a few deep breaths. Think about what’s happening – was it a voice, a gesture, a touch? Try to hone in on what caused you to respond this way. Learning your triggers is essential in the “how” of boundary setting. It’s your first recognition that you need one. 
  • B. Alarm bells – this is a warning of danger or a heads up that we’re headed for trouble. There is something not right going on or about to happen. But listen, you’ve been here before, even if the situation isn’t familiar. How is that possible, you ask? Because your body remembers before your brain. This is a great opportunity to behave without regret, remorse, or guilt. Remember, acting when you know at the moment is better than drowning in an emotional flood later.
  • C. Racing heart or quickened breathing – You are ready to flee, so you know what? Flee. Try doing it with grace and calm, but your body is starting to panic and telling you something about your safety. Take a beat, remove yourself, and breathe. Slow, steady, calming breaths until you can regain control. 

2. Decide what the boundary is.

This can be tricky because there isn’t always a clear-cut boundary. Sometimes we know something is wrong but we aren’t quite sure what the right answer is to fix it. And boundaries in one group aren’t necessarily the boundaries for another group. Sometimes its boundaries aren’t voicing likes and dislike about something. They require action on your part. For example, your parents have a habit of telling you to fix your sibling’s problems when that’s not your responsibility. You can say, “I am not comfortable fixing that, I feel it puts me in an unfair position.” Then you have to stay there. No more action is required from you. Even if every fiber in your body is screaming just go and fix the situation because then it will be all over. If you do that, you will be in an unfair position for the rest of your life. 

5. Self-care

If you feel guilty after or exhausted after being with a certain someone, you may need to reevaluate that relationship. Regardless, take care of yourself. Setting boundaries can take a lot of mental energy to implement and you have to take care of yourself so you can get back out there. But you might find that once you set them and stick to them, it gets easier and easier. Two solid ways to tend to this uncomfortableness:

A. Journal about it 

Write down your thoughts, emotions, and feelings. What did you notice? What was hard about it? How did you feel after? What can you do better next time? These are all good processing questions to bring more self-awareness into the situation. 

B. Process it in therapy 

Therapy is a great place to get more insight into a situation. Tell your therapist every detail. Nothing is off the table because it’s all useful information to them. They can help bring clarity to the situation, give you ideas of how to handle it next time (if you need more help), and provide a safe space for you to say “that was f*cking scary.” They can be your sounding board as you talk out your relationships.

Remember boundaries are how you show love to yourself and how you tell others how you want to be loved. If putting up boundaries is new to you it’s not going to be easy. Something to remember is in the uncomfortableness is where you grow. You’re not growing if you are comfortable. Growth happens outside the comfort zone. You got this!