There is an infamous saying that states, “people go to therapy because of the people who didn’t go to therapy.” Many times when you are in therapy yourself, it’s hard not to see the need for other people to go to therapy, but how do you tell them without offending them? Once you start addressing your own pain, it’s hard not to see the pain of others. You want them to go to therapy because it’s been helpful for you, and you care about them. You want them to find their own healing and happiness. It becomes complicated because of the stigma, and people tend to get defensive when you suggest they go to therapy. So how do you tell someone to go to therapy?
1. Timing
Timing is very important. Times when it’s not appropriate to suggest therapy
- In the middle of a heated argument.
- In front of their friends or family.
- When you are on the brink of a breakup, using it as an ultimatum.
- Right before they go to bed.
- As soon as they get home.
- When they are busy doing something else.
You might say to them, “hey, I’ve want to talk to you about something that has been on my mind lately can we talk about this after dinner?” Let them know you’ve got something serious you want to talk about so they can be in a good mind frame and set a time. If they respond with “just say it now,” knowing full well they are not in the right head space. Be firm with your expectation “It’s really important, and I want you to be in the right head space for this. So is after dinner a good time?.”
2. Tone
The tone you use is important. Do not deliver your concern in a fast, loud voice. This will likely trigger an alarm response, and they will become defensive. Be sure to deliver the message in a calm, slow tone. People tend to match your tone, so if you are calm, they are more likely to be calm.
3. Messaging
Be mindful of the messaging. Instead of “you are so messed up. You need therapy.” try for a less shaming approach like, “I’ve been noticing you’re struggling a lot lately, and it concerns me. I really want you to find healing. What do you think about going to therapy?” This second response comes from a place of care and concern. Remember you love this person, and you cannot shame someone into change. The message should focus on your love for the person and your want for them to find happiness.
4. Share A Piece Of Your Story
Therapy can be very intimidating for many reasons, so sharing a piece of your therapy journey might be helpful. If the other person expresses interest with hesitation, this can be a powerful tool. You can tell them how the first time you were in therapy, it was scary, but after a while, you became more comfortable. You can discuss how sometimes it’s hard and doesn’t always feel good, and the insight about yourself has been very helpful in finding happiness.
Even after all these steps have been taken, the person might still refuse to go to therapy. This is where you remember you can’t control this person, you can only control how you show up to them. Sometimes it’s about planting seeds. Sometimes people need some time before they can commit to change. It becomes really hard when that person is adamant about not going to therapy because we know what life could be like for them. We then have to accept that this is a fantasy of ours, and we have to grieve it not happening. Sometimes the refusal to change means the end of the relationship, and that sucks. So remember, you can’t force someone to change even when they have the potential to. Just because you want more for someone doesn’t mean they want more for themselves.
What has your experience been like asking someone to go to therapy?
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