There is a term we use in therapy called triangulation. Triangulation is when two people are in an argument, and one party brings in a second person to take their side, putting the third person in the middle. There is usually a victim, a bad-guy hero.
Example –
You are 10 years old, and your parents are arguing over household chores. Your mother says your dad never helps, and your dad says it’s because he is busy taking care of the yard. They both become frustrated, and your dad pulls you aside and starts to tell you how hard the yard work is and how your mother doesn’t appreciate all the work he does. Your dad, whether he is conscious of it or not, is putting you in the middle. He’s seeking sympathy from you and for you to take his side. As a 10-year-old, you want your parents to like you, so you take your dad’s side and become angry with your mom for not appreciating your dad. You talk to your mom about how this makes you feel. You were put in the position to solve your dad’s problem. It’s manipulative and unfair that your dad puts you in the middle.
Triangulation can also be asking the third party to keep secrets.
Example –
You have two best friends, Laura and Abby. You are three peas in a pod and do everything together. One day Abby tells you that she has been flirting with the same guy Laura has been talking to and that she doesn’t want you to say anything. Abby is putting you in a horrible situation because you think Laura should know but don’t want to betray Abby’s trust. While both of them haven’t known this guy for very long, you feel awkward to be keeping this secret. You have two options keep the secret for Abby or tell Laura and hurt Abby. In this situation, Abby is forcing you to take her side or betray her. Abby is pitting you against Laura. Abby is manipulating you into rooting for her to get the guy.
So what do you do when you find yourself in the middle of a triangle?
See yourself out by…
- Be assertive by telling them it’s their problem to solve and they should go directly to that person.
- Express how this puts you in an unfair position.
- Saying you will not keep secrets between the two people you love. Give them the option to tell the secret themselves, or you will after a certain amount of time.
This can feel really uncomfortable because there is a fear of upsetting the person trying to get you on their side. Remind yourself that this tactic is manipulation and is unhealthy for your relationship with this person. They have a chance to change their ways by you calling them out. If they continue to do put you in impossible situations, know that you deserve better.
Let me know what questions you have in the comments! I would love to hear from you.
Leave a Reply