Picture this you are frustrated that your friend Lucy is always late when you set dates to hang out. You are scared to set a time boundary with her for fear that she will get mad at you. One day you work up the courage to say, “Lucy, I will leave without you the next time you are more than 10 minutes late. When you are late, it feels like you don’t respect my time.” Lucy states she understands and will be on time from now on. However, the next time you hang out, she is 30 minutes late. She gets to where you are meeting, and she sends a text asking where you are. You reply telling her you left 20 minutes ago. Lucy is pissed. What do you do?
1. Don’t apologize
You were clear with your boundary and told her what to expect next time she was late. Apologies mean you did something wrong, and in this case, you did not. You may say to her (though you don’t have to), “I understand you are frustrated however, I was clear about my boundary, and I am prioritizing my time.” When you apologize for setting a boundary the person isn’t likely to take you seriously.
2. Let Them Be Mad
It is not your job to tend to your friend’s emotions when they do not respect your request about being late. Your friend is allowed to be mad, and you are allowed to uphold boundaries. These two things can exist in the same space. You are also allowed to be upset with your friend for not following through with your request. It’s very disappointing when your friend’s actions don’t match their words. It’s important to know this is a reflection of them and not you. It is not your fault your friend is mad because she didn’t follow through with a request she agreed to.
3. Self Sooth
After not apologizing and letting her be mad, you are likely going to be left with guilt that she is mad at you. Remind yourself that you are not in charge of her feelings, and do some self-soothing. This can look like listening to music, watching tv, going for a walk, coloring, deep breathing, or meditating,
Over time setting boundaries will get easier. Eventually, you will stop feeling guilty (or at least less guilty) for setting boundaries. To get to that stage in your life, you have to practice setting boundaries and sit in that yucky feeling.
Remind yourself that you will be okay. If your friend stops hanging out with you, it’s time to think about the relationship as a whole. Likely, it wasn’t a healthy relationship to begin with. A healthy friendship is one that includes respecting boundaries.
While you might not like the steps to this “how to,” however it can be very empowering. By setting boundaries, you are deciding to respect yourself and inviting others to respect you in the way you deserve. You are creating a healthier space for yourself and your relationships. This road isn’t always easy, but you are worth it.
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