Ever find yourself fighting about the same thing over and over again with your partner? In the Emotion Focused Therapy lense, arguments are played out in cycles and are rooted in our attachment styles.
When the anxiously attached person pushes to seek validation that the avoidant is still in the relationship, the avoidantly attached person becomes flooded and pulls away. The anxiously attached person senses this and pushes more. Thus, a never-ending cycle of pushing and pulling begins.
Here is an example of how this plays out in couples.
Anne: I feel like we need to spend more quality time together.
Jake: I am so exhausted after work that I need to unwind and go to bed.
Anne: I feel like you don’t care about me.
Jake: I do care about you very much.
Anne: Then why don’t you spend more time with me?
Jake: I told you work has got me working extra hours. I need to be able to pay the bills.
Anne: I feel like you care more about work than me.
Jake: Paying for our bills is important so you can have the things we need.
Anne: I don’t understand why you won’t just spend time with me. You are always working.
Jake: (begins to feel flooded and walks into another room.)
Anne: (begins to cry.)
The Solution Seems Simple
On the surface, the solution is simple – Jake should redo the budget so he can take some time out of work to spend with Anne. However, many times in arguments, deeper things are lying beneath the surface. For Anne, she is feeling like she is not good enough for Jake because she is equating quality time with her worth in the relationship. Anne’s attachment wound (likely brought on in childhood) has led her to believe she is never enough for her partner. When Jake spends more time at work, she internalizes this as he doesn’t love her anymore. On the other hand, Jake feels like he is letting Anne down because he is struggling to make ends meet. He really wants to buy a new house for her since the one they live in doesn’t have enough space, and he feels like he is not good enough because he can’t give her what she wants. Jake feels inadequate for not giving his wife what she wants. His attachment wound of not being good enough also likely comes from his childhood. From this example, you can see that the argument isn’t about quality time. It’s how they are both hurting from their attachment wounds.
So, if Jake were to just spend more time with Anne without having a conversation about the deeper narratives of what is happening, this pattern would continue in different ways. Anne will continue to need more and more quality time with him because, at her core, she feels she is not good enough. Even if Jake were able to buy her a bigger house, the feeling of not being good enough will move to the next thing he will need to buy for her. This is why in Emotion Focused Therapy, we call it a cycle because patterns in couples ’ arguments repeat because they are attached to the same attachment wound.
How can couples therapy help?
In couples therapy, you can learn to break these cycles and address the deeper issues that fuel them. By working with a therapist, Jake and Anne can uncover the root of their attachment wounds and understand how these wounds impact their relationship. Therapy provides a safe space for them to explore these vulnerabilities and to communicate their needs more effectively.
Through Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), Jake and Anne can learn to recognize their patterns and see their partner’s behavior in a new light. This approach helps couples to slow down their interactions, allowing them to respond with empathy rather than defensiveness. By addressing the underlying narratives and attachment wounds, they can begin to heal and build a stronger, more connected relationship.
Ultimately, couples therapy helps partners to see each other more clearly and to meet each other’s needs in a way that fosters love and understanding. It’s not just about resolving the immediate conflict, but about building a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy that can withstand future challenges.
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