Boundaries, a very popular topic in the mental health world. The word gets thrown around a lot and a lot of people struggle with them. So I want to take a deep dive into boundaries. In the series I will address the who, what, when, where, why, and how of boundaries.
Today I want to talk about the who of boundaries. Ideally, you are the one setting boundaries for yourself but that’s not always the case. Family, society, culture, religion, etc. are all entities that set boundaries for people. Now I’m not saying boundaries set by these entities are bad you should respect others’ boundaries but what happened when the expectations of these entities don’t respect your boundaries or make you feel unsafe? How do you live peacefully between the two worlds?
For example, if my religion says I need to do something that I don’t agree with and I still want to be a part of that religion how do I balance that? Well, the answer is easy but the implication is hard – boundaries. You set the boundary here. You have permission to say I will not partake in this particular activity and I will still want to be a part of other religious activities. Sure others might not agree with you but that’s not yours to carry. Boundaries are for you and they’re about what makes you feel comfortable and safe.
Boundaries get really complicated when the stories behind them become confusing.
For example, society tells us that we should not touch other people without consent and yet it happens all of the time. How many women have been grabbed in a bar without giving consent? How many African Americans have had their hair touched by non-black people without their permission? How many pregnant women have had their bellies touched without their permission? It’s an invasion of personal space that makes us feel uncomfortable and yet sometimes our reaction to that is not in a boundary resetting manner. Sometimes, our reaction is to go along with it or pretend like it didn’t happen (sometimes, this is what keeps us safe. Your safety takes priority in any action you take). We are uncomfortable but we don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable so the sacrifice comes from us. See how that’s confusing. They are doing something we don’t like, but instead of saying, ‘Hey, don’t do that,’ we let it go because we don’t want them to feel bad. Boundaries are so you feel comfortable, and if they don’t like it, that’s for them, not for you.
People pleasers fall victim to this a lot. They’re more worried about how the other person is reacting rather than their own comfort. Boundaries are especially hard for them because of the guilt that comes with putting up a boundary. People pleasers will get plowed over by other people because they will take and take and take until finally, that person breaks down or says no.
You have to set the boundaries in your own life.
In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, “We say who. We say when. We say how much.” You decide who the boundaries apply to, when the boundaries apply, and how much you’re willing to bend the boundaries. This is where you go with your gut and your knowledge of that other person. Is this a person someone you can bend boundaries with or will they take too much from you?
For some relationships, it feels like no boundaries are needed to be established because there are organically already there. For the difficult relationships, we noticed the boundaries more because it takes more work to keep them in place. On paper, boundaries look easy but in reality, they are hard to do. They take practice, they take consistency, and they take courage.
If you struggle with boundaries, it might be a good idea to seek therapy. If boundaries make you feel guilty or you have no idea where to even begin therapy is a perfect place for that.