Boundaries are something we talk about in the mental health field a lot, but what exactly are they? What defines a boundary? What do boundaries look like?
1. Boundaries are how we show others how to love us.
When we establish a boundary, we’re drawing a line in the sand. We are saying you cannot go past this line. When boundaries are crossed, they are not loving us and that’s not respecting us. If someone is showing you love they approach the line and say “I see you have a line here, I will not cross it unless you give me permission. I will not ask you to move the line. I will not ask you to only grant me special permission to go past it. I will not question the line. I will not get mad at you for the line. Most importantly, I will not judge you for the line.” The boundary is put into place so that you, the boundary setter, are comfortable. Boundaries say “I like to be called this,” or “I don’t want to talk about this,” or “I’m uncomfortable when you treat me like this.”
2. Boundaries are flexible and rigid
As the boundary setter, you get to say when, where, how much, and for how long. You don’t have to explain why to anyone that you don’t want to. Boundaries in a relationship look different from person to person. Your boundaries with your mother-in-law may look way different from your boundaries with your friend. With your mother-in-law, you may have a hard boundary of not talking about politics because it takes a lot of energy away from you and you know that she is not going to understand you no matter how many times you try to explain your point of view. So you set a boundary, “I don’t want to talk about politics with you anymore can we please talk about something else.”
At any point in time, you are allowed to change the boundary. If one day you feel you want to have a conversation with your mother-in-law about something political you can. However, know you must be specific about where your boundaries are. For example, you want to talk about traffic laws but not gun laws. Consistency and clarity with boundaries are key.
3. If you have to express your boundary many times, this does not mean you’re doing it wrong.
People forget sometimes that you put a boundary in place. Other people may try to push your boundary to get you to waver. Stand your ground and repeat your boundary. You decide where that line goes. Boundaries only work if you are consistent with them. For example, if you don’t like to be hugged and you say to your friend “I don’t like to be hugged but I’ll fist bump you instead,” but your friend responds with, “it’s just a hug it won’t hurt you.” They’re pushing your boundaries, the best course of action is to repeat yourself. “I don’t like to be hugged, but I’ll fist bump you instead.” Likely the person will then respect your boundaries however, if they don’t you can simply excuse yourself from the situation. “I don’t like to be hugged and if you can’t respect that then I’m going to go home and maybe we can hang out at another time.” Again your boundaries are how you tell other people how you want to be loved. If you want to be loved with fist-bumps rather than hugs, that’s okay because that’s what you’re comfortable with.
4. Boundaries improve our relationship with others and ourselves.
When you waver with boundaries, you’re allowing the other person to cross the line that you didn’t want them to cross. This is a form of self-sabotage. You are allowing them to disrespect you by giving up that boundary, therefore disrespecting yourself. There is a difference between you setting a boundary with a person who blatantly disregards it, and you passively agreeing to them overstepping that line.
When you stick to your boundaries, it is one of the many ways you show love to yourself. When you stick to your boundaries, it shows the other person how you want to be loved. If they truly love you, they will follow that boundary, therefore, making a relationship stronger.
5. Boundaries allow us to conserve energy which then allows us to grow
When you establish a boundary, and it’s followed, this gives you space to breathe. Without boundaries, your energy is focused on how uncomfortable you are and how you can make yourself feel safe. Without boundaries you’re restricting your growth because you’re allowing others to take everything from you, leaving nothing for yourself.
When boundaries are in place and respected, you’re not comfortable with the situation at play. You have more energy to give to yourself and to others.
Comments and questions are welcome and encouraged.
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