Where to set boundaries?
Where should we be setting boundaries? Are boundaries appropriate in every environment? Do boundaries look different in different settings? The answer is YES, you should have boundaries in every environment.
Boundaries are for your own wellbeing and are important in every environment. But, boundaries can look different in any setting. Sometimes you may not even notice you have boundaries because you feel respected by the people in that environment, and in other settings, it’s a struggle to maintain boundaries and to feel relaxed.
1. Home
Boundaries at home are super important. This is where you are supposed to be the safest and for some that isn’t always true. Boundaries at home may look like:
- Speaking up when certain topics are becoming too much for you and you need a break
- Eating dinner together as a family
- Asking people to knock before coming into your room
- Voicing your needs and taking quiet time for yourself
2.Social Settings
Boundaries in social settings are important because they tell your friends where your limits are and what you are comfortable with. Your true friends won’t object to these boundaries. Boundaries in social settings look like:
- Respecting your discomfort with a certain venue
- Choosing not to drink or do drugs
- Asking for alternative greetings like hugs vs waving hello
- Taking turns with whose house to hang out at
3. Work/School
Boundaries at work and school are important because they make you feel safe and when you feel safe you perform better. If you don’t feel safe or accepted it makes everything else really difficult because all of your energy is going towards ensuring safety. Boundaries at school and work look like:
- What name should be used when addressing you? Do you have a preferred pronoun or preferred name?
- Only doing one sport/extracurricular activity a year because more than that is too much for you.
- Not staying late every night of the week because you need time to take care of yourself
- Saying no or asking for help when things get to be too much
This is not an exhaustive list nor an exclusive inventory underneath each category. You may have the same boundary within every setting, and some boundaries will look different in different settings; that is dependent on you and your comfort with sticking to that boundary. Importantly, these three settings are parallel examples of risk and vulnerability. Your family tends to be the area where you feel the most loved and where most of your trauma may come from. You choose your friends so the level of comfort is safer but sometimes they step out of line. And work can be confusing because often we feel like we have no power but also have levels of protection. Our relationships have different grades or nuances of risk and wellbeing and regardless of the situation, you and your boundaries deserve respect.
Comments and questions are welcome and encouraged.
Leave a Reply