Together we have explored who to set boundaries with, what boundaries are, where to set them, and today we explore when you know you need a boundary. This is important because it’s much easier to establish boundaries early than to have to go back and put them into place.
It’s likely you already know when to set boundaries because your body is telling you it’s uncomfortable. Your body’s superpower tells you something is wrong, often before your brain does. In my experience, everyone gets the signals and notices when things aren’t quite right. What we do about those signals is a different story. So what are those signals and what are they trying to tell us?
1. Pay attention to your body
Your body tells you a lot about what is going on. If your gut is saying something isn’t right, listen to it. Why are you feeling uncomfortable? When have I felt this discomfort before? Don’t ignore yourself, you probably need to set a boundary. Maybe your boss is asking you to do something borderline unethical and the fire alarms are going off in your head telling you to run away. Listen to those fire alarms and say “I am not comfortable with that.” If they continue to press you to restate your boundary and talk to HR. Perhaps you’ve entered a social situation and the hairs on the back of your neck are up and you feel on high alert – this is another sign you are not comfortable. Respect these bodily signals and respond to them in healthy ways.
2. When you are feeling overwhelmed
Having too much on your plate is a sign that you need to put up some boundaries. When your partner asks you to attend another social event with them but you’ve got a pile of housework, it’s better to say, “I would love to but I just don’t have time this week,” or “I would love to but I have a lot of things on my todo list would you mind helping me?” These are boundaries around your physical and emotional capacity. You know it’s important to get the housework done because it makes you feel better and you want to spend time with your partner but doing both is overwhelming.
3. When your relationships feel exhausting
Does spending time with family or certain social groups leave you feeling drained? Do you feel raw after your interactions? What I’m describing is different from healthy introversion, many people need alone time after social events, relationship boundary violations are different. Often, our interactions are familiar patterns like within our families, and we know them so well, we don’t question them. But that doesn’t make them healthy. If you are taking deep breaths and telling yourself, “it’s just a couple of hours” before you even leave the house, you are getting a sign. If you are always on the defensive and have your guard up trying not to say or do the wrong thing, you are in need of a boundary.
These examples can be found in all sorts of situations and are all sending you valuable information. Just like pouring coffee, you need to listen to your body and say when – when you’ve had enough, when you are ready when you are finished. When.
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