In Emotion Focused Therapy we look at our attachment styles and how they show up in relationships. Attachment is a part of the human experience and it is shaped by our upbringing. When you are a child if your attachment needs are not met (feeling loved, valued, seen, heard, wanted, etc.) you develop an attachment style that allows you to survive that environment. If all of your attachment needs are met you will develop a secure attachment. I’ve created a list below of how to spot the different attachment styles when in relationships. You may even see yourself in these lists.
Anxious Attachment
- Will do things to test your commitment
- Will yell, scream, and/or cry when they are not getting what they want
- Will accuse you of being unfaithful
- Expresses insecurities and worries about rejection
- Says things like ‘why don’t you love me?’
- Expects you to guess how they are feeling/thinking/wanting
Avoidant Attachment
- Makes throw-away statements like ‘I’m just going to leave,’ or ‘why don’t you just leave then.’ These feel like bombs being dropped in the room.
- Leaving the room or shutting down in arguments
- Says things like you are taking advantage of them
- Is back in forth about their commitment to you
- Difficulty expressing their emotions
Anxious-Avoidant/ Disorganized Attachment
- This is a combination of anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. If you find you notice equal amounts of each category they have a disorganized attachment style.
Secure Attachment
- Is consistent in their words to you
- Doesn’t play games and stays present in the argument
- Able to express their feelings
- Able to compromise
- Is committed to you
If you are one of the first three attachment styles don’t worry this doesn’t have to be permanent. You can learn to develop a secure attachment style. With your own healing work (preferably with therapy) you can begin to deconstruct your patterns and learn what it means to be securely attached.
Journal prompt: Which of the attachment styles do you see more of yourself? What about your partner? Which attachment style matches that of your caretaker growing up? Do you notice a pattern between you and your past partners?
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