If you’ve read my previous blog on attachment styles and you resonate with the anxious attachment this one is for you. I get asked all the time how to stop being anxiously attached and move towards secure attachment. The answer is it’s a process. You may ebb and flow out of anxious attachment to secure attachment. Here are some steps to start with.
1. Notice when you are feeling anxiously attached
Being mindful of when you are falling into anxious attachment behaviors is always step one. You have to notice when you are doing it before you can change it. Things to watch out for:
- You do things to test their commitment
- Yell, scream, and/or cry when you are not getting what you want. We don’t want to ignore your feelings however, you can talk about them in a calm manner.
- Accusing your partner of being unfaithful when you have no facts to prove it
- Expresses insecurities and worries about rejection a lot.
- Says things like ‘why don’t you love me?’ in hopes that they will say ‘of course, I love you,’ as a way to alleviate the uneasiness you feel.
- Expect your partner to guess how you are feeling/thinking/wanting (click the link for a blog more on this)
2. Check the facts
Once you have noticed we want to check the facts. As humans, we are great storytellers. We do a lot of guessing, mind reading, and fortune telling when it comes to what we think other people think. Your partner tells you he is going to hang out at the local bar with some friends after work but while he is there you start to feel really anxious and think he is cheating on you.
What evidence do you have that supports your thoughts/feelings? Remember just because you think or feel something doesn’t mean it is fact. He’s never cheated on you before and he’s told you exactly where he was going.
After you’ve checked the facts and you still feel uneasy get curious about it. Curious about how you came to that thought. How did you go from he is going out to his friends to now he is cheating? Follow the trail. How were you feeling when you started going down that path? Maybe you need more clarification from your partner. Maybe you want to know when he is coming home because you want to know if he will be home for dinner or not.
3. Ask for what you need
If you can figure out why you are feeling anxious you then have the power to ask for what you need. When your partner goes out for happy hour with his friends you like to know when he will be back so that you know what his intention is for the evening. You want to know if he will be eating dinner with you or his friends. Without that clarification you find yourself sitting at home spinning with negative thoughts and hungry waiting for him to come home so you can eat together.
A lot of times what we need isn’t a huge ordeal. Sometimes it’s as simple as a little more communication about what your schedule looks like, and what our intentions or expectations are.
4. Set boundaries
Now if your partner goes to happy hour several times a week and you are left in the dark boundaries need to be discussed. Nurturing your relationship is important and if he is never home it’s hard to do that. So you discuss your expectations and his expectation and set a boundary. Maybe a solution is you join happy hour once a week or he only goes once a week and you have designated no phone date night once a week. The boundary is there so that you are being cared for in the way that you need.
5. Go to therapy to heal old wounds
Our attachment styles are reflective of how we are attached to our parents. If you are anxious they were probably inconsistent in their affection towards you which left you guessing how they felt about you. A lot of people with anxious attachment struggle with the idea of not being good enough and somewhere along the line someone told you that (maybe indirectly) and you internalized it. This shows up in your current relationships and this is yours to heal.
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