Boundaries are great for you and can be difficult to implement because we are scared of what might happen. Let’s say your friend Sarah is always canceling plans with you last minute and at times doesn’t give you a straight answer on whether she is attending the event you discussed. More often than not you are left ready for the night but without someone to go with because she bailed last minute again. This upsets you because it happens too much and you feel like she isn’t respectful of your time. It’s not fair to you and you want her to be more reliable. You want to talk to her about how you are feeling and set a boundary with her that you won’t be waiting around for her anymore. You aren’t happy with our current situation but the thought of setting a boundary is scary. So let’s dig deep into why it’s so scary for you to set a boundary.
1. You are scared they will get mad
What if your friend gets mad at you and goes off on you, calling you every name in the book? You feel guilty that you made her upset so you take it back to make it go away. At this point, you are sacrificing your happiness for hers. Remind yourself it’s okay that she is upset with you. If you used an ‘I feel’ statement and she is unable to hear your unhappiness it speaks to her emotional immaturity and probably isn’t the right friend for you. A good friend will listen and come to understanding with you.
2. Fear of losing a friend
What if you set the boundary and they react badly and you realize that they aren’t a good friend to you? Now you are down one friend. It feels like if you keep doing this you will have no friends left. Worst case scenario this may be true however, this tells you you were surrounded by a lot of toxic people and you weren’t getting anything from those relationships. You have now started putting your worth first and a good friend will support you on that journey. By choosing your happiness you are opening up space for others to enjoy that happiness along with you instead of taking it from you.
3. Fear of what they will think I’m a mean person
Many of us don’t want to be perceived as a mean person. When we set a boundary and the other person takes it as you being mean, it’s important that you hold on to your truth. If you are setting the boundary without the intent to be malicious, you used your ‘I feel’ statement, and they think you are mean it’s probably because you hit a soft spot in them that needs healing. That is not yours to fix. Your job is to explain how you are feeling and be firm in your boundary. Boundaries are to protect your happiness and some people will take that as being mean because they liked when there wasn’t a boundary.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of why boundaries are hard but rather a list of the most common reasons. Boundaries can be scary and uncomfortable to implement. Remind yourself that growth happens in the uncomfortableness. Boundaries clear out the bad to make room for the good. They are a way for you to show others how to love you.
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