Safety and Politeness

As a woman who is also a therapist, I hear the words ‘I didn’t want to be rude,’ all of the time when women are talking about situations where they feel unsafe. Here is how this plays out.

You are on a date with a guy and he buys you dinner and some drinks. He starts getting handsy and making comments about how you owe him (sex) for dinner. You aren’t comfortable and you want to leave but he, along with the patriarchal society, is telling you that if you don’t give him what he wants you are rude, so you stay. You do things you didn’t want to and you spend the next two weeks dodging his text messages. Why? Because you didn’t want to be forward with him because for some reason it’s rude. *clears throat* Assertiveness is not rude. 

You are out with friends and someone offers to buy you a drink, you decline politely but they pressure you more. So you reluctantly accept to make them happy and you are stuck drinking a drink that you don’t want. Why? Because you don’t want to be rude. 

You are at a party with a group of people that you know and the guy you’ve been chatting with starts to give you creepy vibes. You make up an excuse like ‘oh my boyfriend is waiting at home for me,’ when you don’t have a boyfriend, hoping that he will get the hint to leave you alone. He doesn’t so he continues. Now you feel like you are stuck in a situation where you feel unsafe and uncomfortable. Why? Because you don’t want to be rude. See the theme here? 

Things you need to know about safety:

• Your safety is non-negotiable. 
• Your safety should be taken seriously by others and by you. It’s not taken seriously when we are trying to be polite about how uncomfortable they are making you feel. It’s not about their feelings, it’s about yours. 
• Use your voice, be direct, and when all else fails leave. I don’t care if you have to raise your voice, call names, scream, or bark like a dog to let them know you are no longer comfortable with what is happening. If they don’t leave you alone you leave. Get up, grab your coat, and walk out the door, mid-sentence if you have to. You don’t feel safe no need to be there any longer. You owe them NOTHING. 
• Do not force yourself to stay in situations that make you feel unsafe for the sake of being polite. I want you to come home in one piece unharmed and you should want the same for yourself.
• If you just so happen to misread the situation (which you probably aren’t. Trust your gut.) you can always apologize later. Your goal is to keep yourself safe and you did what you needed to at the moment to make sure that happened. 

When it comes to your safety fuck being polite (sorry for cussing mom but it’s warranted). It’s not about their feelings getting hurt, they will get over it, it’s about your being safe. Your safety is non-negotiable. You have to be the one to advocate for it and sometimes that requires you to be rude.