1. Look at their parents’ relationship
If you want to know what your relationship will look like with your partner look at their parent’s relationship. If your partner’s parents are divorced, chronic cheaters, yell at each other constantly, or blame each other for everything you might notice some similar patterns in your relationship. We learn how relationship function from our parents. If you come from a household where problem-solving was done by yelling at each other and you find you do the same, you got it from your parents. This is what we call repeating the cycle. Now, this isn’t 100% accurate because you definitely can break the cycle and learn to have a healthy relationship.
2. If they humiliate you
Making fun of a mistake you’ve made or you not knowing about something is humiliation. Maybe they go around and tell their friends and they think it’s funny but it makes you feel embarrassed/humiliated – red flag. Your partner shouldn’t be making fun of you. There is a difference between playful teasing and putting someone down. It’s the impact that matters. If you’ve expressed it hurts your feelings and they continue to do it. Run girl run. They are telling you right there that they don’t care about your feelings and will put you down so that they can have the limelight.
3. When things are tit for tat
This destroys trust in the other person and then the whole relationship becomes about the next calculated move of what you can get away with. For example, he goes out, gets drunk with his friends, and doesn’t come home. You get upset by this and then you spend money that wasn’t in the budget to get back at him. You both keep track of what the other person has done wrong. The list gets longer and resentment grows stronger. If you are in this situation you are communicating effectively and stuck in this power struggle where you are hurting yourself and the other person. Seek therapy or get out.
4. Uses sex as a tool for manipulation
Sex is meant to be for pleasure, not a tool to get your partner to do something. If you clean the house I’ll give you a blow job. When it becomes time to pay up you likely won’t want to, creating stress in the relationship.
5. Inability to compromise
You should just get over it. Stop being so dramatic. Just let it go. These are signs your partner just wants you to forget about your own feelings and do what they say. No compromise, just do it. This action tells you they don’t care about your feelings and they see themself as right. There is always a middle that a couple can take and it speaks loudly if your partner doesn’t want to see it. They aren’t interested in the relationship they are interested in having their ego stroked. I suggest individual therapy for both people and couples therapy for this couple.
These signs don’t mean your relationship is doomed. If you have two consenting partners who are willing to work on the relationship together then your chances of the relationship working increase. If you have one partner who doesn’t want therapy but the other one goes, in my experience working with individuals, and couples, the relationship is going to struggle more. The partner in therapy will be gaining confidence and likely tolerate less of their partner’s behavior, leading to a breakup. It’s a red flag that your partner doesn’t want to go to therapy.
What are other red flags your have noticed in relationships? Tell me in the comments.
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