Why do you ignore red flags? When dating sometimes finding the red flags can be blatantly obvious and sometimes you miss them. When you see them and continue on with the relationship, later on down the road you question how you got there. Here are three reasons why you ignore red flags
1. They Are Familiar
I like to use this analogy when describing what it’s like to repeat a cycle within yourself. Imagine there are two ponds one with choppy water and the other with calm water. You’ve lived your whole life in a kayak in the choppy waters. You may not even know that there is a second pond that is calm because no one has ever shown you. Maybe you are exhausted from fighting the waves but you aren’t sure how to get to the calm pond. So you continue to fight the waves. Maybe one time you found yourself in the calm pond and because it was so quiet you didn’t know how to row your kayak in those calm waters. The stillness was so scary you left the calm pond for the familiar rough pond. You know how to keep yourself safe enough in the rough water but the calm water feels too vulnerable.
An example of how this plays out in relationships: You’ve only ever seen relationships where fighting and manipulation is the main source of communication. You’ve watched your parents do it with every partner they have had. To you, it doesn’t feel good and yet it’s familiar. You grow up and your relationship is the same, full of yelling and manipulation. Your gut tells you it’s not healthy but you continue dating them because you don’t see how it could be any other way. One day that relationship ends and you find someone who is calm. You date them for a while but find them to be boring so you create choppy waters by testing them or accusing them of cheating on you. They break up with you and you get back with your ex. The calm partner was scary because you didn’t know how to navigate that water. So you hurt them before they hurt you. You go back with your ex because you can predict the ways they will hurt you and you know how to survive that. It’s familiar.
2. You Fear Abandonment
The thought of being alone is so scary that you would rather put up with an unhealthy relationship. When you are alone it feels so painful that it almost feels like you are dying. The feeling of a bad relationship outweighs the feeling of dying so you stay in the unhealthy relationship. Therapy can help you build a foundation of resiliency and confidence to not feel so alone when you are single. You can learn coping skills, heal the trauma that has caused you to feel this way, and learn what healthy relationships look like.
3. You Feel You Deserve To Be Treated Poorly
Ignoring the red flags and staying in an unhealthy relationship can be a sign you’re subconsciously punishing yourself. Maybe you don’t feel worthy of a healthy relationship. Many people have a narrative of not being deserving of happiness. When we believe this, we perpetuate a cycle that keeps us there – like staying in an unhealthy relationship. Therapy can help you unpack why you believe this about yourself, show you how to have more self-compassion, and forgive yourself.
This isn’t an exhaustive list of reasons why you ignore red flags, just a few of the common ones I see. You don’t have to be stuck in the pattern of finding unhealthy relationships. The healing journey requires uncomfortableness and self-discovery.
Want to take a deeper dive into learning about healthy relationships? Contact me for individual therapy.
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