Life is not black and white. In fact, most things in life are in the gray. When you think in black and white you are limiting yourself and not seeing the whole picture. This thinking can lead you to invalidate the experience of others while creating a stuckness for yourself.
Here are some examples:
I am feeling lonely and happy my friends are getting engaged.
When your friends are getting engaged, you are single and you hate seeing their engagement pictures. You might feel sad when you see the announcement of their engagement. Dig deep and you will likely find that it’s not actually about their engagement but rather you are feeling sad, lonely, etc. If you separate out that loneliness you might notice joy for the couple. You can feel both lonely and happy at the same time. Both are valid. You can have more than one emotion at the same time and sometimes those emotions are conflicting.
I carry trauma from my childhood and I can see how my child’s feelings are hurt.
When your child comes to you and says that you have hurt their feelings, the response of ‘I had it worse than you,’ is black and white. You are invalidating them by not owning your part in their hurt. This doesn’t mean your trauma doesn’t matter. There is space for your trauma and your child’s trauma. One does not negate the other, they can exist at the same time. What this means is you have some healing to do and your child is coming to you for a repair in the relationship. If you find yourself responding in this black and white way therapy is important for your healing and for your relationship with your child.
I am dreading studying and I know I am capable.
It’s the week before finals and you have to begin studying. The thought of studying makes you so anxious and you dread doing it so you put it off. You know that you are capable of studying and have good study skills because you have done it successfully in the past. Living in the dread makes it hard for you to push forward and begin studying. You can dread studying and study. Dreading something doesn’t make it impossible.
More examples:
I can respect my body and want to improve it.
I am good at drawing and I want to learn more.
I am happy in my job and want more challenges.
I enjoy playing basketball and I am not good at it.
I am excited about the holiday season and miss my loved one who has passed.
I am excited to watch my child grow and scared about what challenges they might face.
I am excited about this new challenge and scared that I might fail.
The and/both thinking, or living in the gray can allow space for you to see the complexities in life. This space allows for more healing, forgiveness, acceptance, grace, validation, and understanding of ourselves and others.
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