Wanting to make others happy is a common experience, but when it becomes destructive to yourself, we call it people-pleasing. People-pleasers often prioritize other people’s needs and desires over their own, which can lead to stress, burnout, and a lack of personal fulfillment. Here are 8 signs that you are a people pleaser.
1 .You have a hard time saying no
People-pleasers often have difficulty saying no, even when they don’t have the time or energy to take on additional tasks or obligations. People pleasers tend to feel guilty when they say no to requests, so not to feel guilty, they say yes. This yes is so automatic that they don’t even think about what they are agreeing to.
2. You put other people’s needs before your own
People-pleasers often prioritize other people’s needs and desires over their own, even to their own detriment. They don’t think about how tired they are or how much they already have on their plate. They are looking to please, so they will set aside their own well-being for others.
3. You feel guilty when you disappoint others
People-pleasers often feel guilty when they disappoint others, even when it’s necessary for their own well-being. This guilty feeling is so overwhelming that they will go above and beyond to fix it, even when they don’t have the time or resources to fix it.
4. You seek approval and validation from others
People-pleasers often seek approval and validation from others, even at the expense of their own happiness. When they are making others happy, they feel they are worthy of love. It feels good when others acknowledge our acts of service, but the people-pleaser takes this to the extreme. When they go without validation, they internalize that they have done something wrong, and the other person is mad at them. Unfortunately, no amount of external validation will fill the pain they feel inside. The external validation is a temporary fix that keeps them wanting more. It’s like heroin to a drug user.
5. You avoid conflict
People-pleasers often avoid conflict and confrontation, even when it’s necessary to stand up for themselves or assert their own needs and desires. They avoid conflict to keep the perception that people aren’t mad at them. This leads to the people-pleaser building resentment towards the other person, which could lead to lashing out at them later on.
6. You apologize frequently
People-pleasers often apologize frequently, even when they haven’t done anything wrong. They tend to apologize for things that aren’t their fault or out of their control. One of their biggest fears is someone being upset with them, so the compensate for over-apologizing.
7. You take on too much responsibility
People-pleasers often take on too much responsibility, even when it’s not necessary or healthy for them to do so. One way a people-pleaser feels validated it by helping. So they help everyone with everything even if they don’t know how to help, have the resources to help, or the time to help. They want to make the other person happy, and taking on more things gives them a sense this will do the trick.
8. You have a hard time setting boundaries
People-pleasers often have a hard time setting boundaries, even when it’s necessary to protect their own well-being. They are externally focused on what other people think of needing from them that they might not even have an idea of what boundaries look like for them. Alternatively, when you set a boundary, there is a potential that the other person will not react positively, so people-pleasers don’t set them for fear of rejection.
If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, it’s important to remember that people-pleasing is a common behavior that can be changed with effort and practice. Learning to say no, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your own needs and desires are important steps towards breaking the cycle of people-pleasing and living a more fulfilling life. Through therapy, you can learn about and heal the pain you feel that drives this behavior.
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