Breaking Up With A Narcissist

If you find yourself in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies, it can become really difficult to end the relationship. Narcissists are really good at manipulating people and poking at their weaknesses. You might have a kind heart, and feel bad when others are feeling bad, but a narcissist is going to take advantage of that. They will do and say things to make you feel bad so that you stay in the relationship. This can look like:

• Threatening to hurt themselves if you leave.
• Threatening to hurt someone you love or a pet if you leave.
• Saying it’s your fault the relationship doesn’t work and that you need to work harder to please them.
• Saying it’s your fault they are so unhappy. If you could just compliment them more, they would be happier. 
• Text/call or show up at your house begging to have another chance and that they have changed. 
• Love bomb you when things get rough.

They know that you feel guilty when they blame you, and they use this as a way to get what they want from you. You may have fallen into the thinking their behavior is because you lack pleasing them, but it isn’t true. You are never responsible for how another adult behaves. You may do things to make them mad or feel bad, but their reaction to that is theirs, not yours.  

When you are able to leave the relationship, they don’t tend to go away. In many cases, they will text, call, or show up at your home in an attempt to get you back or to continue the cycle of abuse. When they text you relentlessly, telling you all that it’s all your fault, you will feel the need to defend yourself. Don’t. No action is the best action.

How to get away from a narcissist

• Don’t respond to texts
  • Whatever you say will be used as ammo against you. Even if you are correct, they will take your words and twist them. Any response gives them permission to engage. 
• Don’t try to prove them wrong
  •  In their eyes, you will always be wrong. You will never be right with a narcissist, and you cannot win with someone who isn’t able to think about others. You don’t need to prove to someone your side of the story who is not willing to hear it. 
• The less you say, the better
  • If you do have to respond to the person because you share children or other obligations outside of the relationship. The less you say, is better. Stick to the facts. Keep it short and sweet. It’s likely they will begin to bring in other things, like how bad they feel but view it as bait to get you to engage. Don’t take it, simply ignore it. If you can’t ignore it, state, “I don’t wish to engage in conversation outside of coordinating care for our children.” Know that they will be mad, and that’s okay. It’s not your problem.
• They will blame you for everything, and nothing will ever be good enough
  • The more you learn this and separate it out from your truth, the easier it will become. You will never be good enough for them, things will always be your fault in their eyes. Know that it isn’t you. It’s everyone. They will find someone else and repeat the cycle.  You truth is that you tried hard to make it work, and you made a decision that was best for your mental health. 

Getting out of a toxic relationship like this isn’t an easy task, and I highly suggest seeking therapy if you are in a relationship like this. It can be a place to figure out what reality is for you because they will have you questioning what is real and what isn’t. Therapy is a place where you can learn to heal the wounds from the relationship and learn what healthy relationships look like.