Dating can be hard. It can be hard to know what’s something that is someone’s area of growth or a red flag that should send you running. People we date can say one thing, but their actions say something else. They might say they know they have a problem and are working on it, but how do you know if that’s enough to stick it out or move on? Here are 2 things to consider when dating.
1. Change comes from within.
He’s not going to change for you. He will only change for himself. If he is telling you, he is better in a relationship than when he is single. This is a fantasy of his (also this sounds like he wants you to fix him which is not your job). He may very well want to be a better version of himself when he is dating, but if he isn’t that version now, you aren’t going to change that in him. Change has to come because that person wants to change, not because someone else wants them to change.
The same goes for other big life changes like marriage or kids. He will be the same person from when you dated to engaged to married. If you don’t like him and are hoping he will change when you get married. These big events will not make him a better partner. The change comes from him actively working on being a better partner. If you find yourself saying, “He will have more time for me when we are married,” or “I will feel more connected to him once we have kids,” these are your fantasies and not a reality. If you aren’t already actively working on feeling connected to your partner, a big life change won’t fix this. In fact, it likely will make it worse. At the very least, you will be upset that it didn’t happen, causing more tension in your relationship.
2. You decide what you are willing to give leniency towards
People do and can change. The hard part about dating is deciding if their area of growth is something you can handle or if it’s a non-negotiable. We all have shortcomings and areas to grow in. When dating, this is something you can have a conversation around. For example, if you want more communication from the person you are dating, you get to talk about expectations around communication. What does more communication look like? Is this something they can give to you, or does this need to be negotiated (maybe they have a very busy job and can’t talk when they are working)? After discussing it, you look for changed behaviors.
Another example might be the person you are dating drinks 3 or 4 times a week and gets black-out drunk at least half of the time. You don’t like this because it takes away from your quality time with him, and when he is drunk, he says things that make you uncomfortable. After you have a conversation, he agrees that he will monitor his drinking. He does well monitoring his drinking for a week or two but then goes back to old habits. You repeat this pattern or have a hard conversation, and it works for a little bit, but it always goes back to the old pattern. Ultimately, you get to decide when enough is enough. It’s likely after a while, you will begin to feel unimportant and begin resenting them.
The main thing to know is you can create a forgiving environment in your relationships and still leave space for your wants and needs. You deserve to have a partner who is willing to grow with you, have hard conversations with you, and support you in your growth.
Dating is no cakewalk. Change has got to come from the person themselves, not from us wishing they’d change. You can’t be hoping a big life event like marriage will magically make someone a better partner if they’re not already putting in the effort now. It’s crucial to know what you can compromise on and what’s a deal-breaker. Everyone’s got room to grow, sure, but there’s a line. You deserve a partner who’s all in, ready to grow, communicate, and stand by you. So, what’s your take on deal-breakers in dating? What are the things you absolutely won’t compromise on, and how has that influenced your relationship choices? Let’s swap stories and learn from each other!
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