A trend I see when talking with clients is a tendency toward thinking in absolutes. This idea that something is all or nothing, with no room for the in-between. People don’t give credit to the complexities of our reality. Many people think with a mindset that only one thing is happening at a time when that’s rarely the case. This type of thinking is limiting, invalidating and leads to conflict within yourself. Here are 10 examples of things that can exist at the same time.
- I can make a mistake and be a good person.
- I love someone and have an unhealthy relationship with them.
- I can be in my healing era and still have bad days.
- I can love myself and still want to grow.
- I can be vulnerable and strong.
- I can cry and still be emotionally strong.
- I can understand why someone behaves the way they do and it is hurtful to me.
- Someone might have a more painful experience than me, and my pain still be painful.
- I can be in uncomfortable conversations and still feel safe.
- I can be happy that my friend got a promotion and sad that they are moving away.
What’s something that you notice in all of these statements? The use of the word ‘and’. When you purposely use the word ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ you are giving space for both things to be true. When we use the word ‘but’ it erases everything you said before the word ‘but’. This creates a limited space for all the complex things that are happening in the moment.
A second thing you may have noticed with these statements is that when we get out of the dichotomous way of thinking, we open ourselves up for more compassion for ourselves and others. We are holding space for our feelings and others. We are finding the gray area. In this gray area, we can find harmony amongst our conflicting feelings.
So the next time you say the word ‘but’ see how you might replace it with the word ‘and’. It changes the way you see everything and opens up more possibilities of being with yourself and others.
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