Breakups are hard, even if it is mutual. Sometimes they are messy, sometimes they are amicable. Or worse, you play the game of breakup and get back together until you hit your limit. Regardless of how it happened, the aftermath is painful.
Clients always ask me how long will the pain last? My answer? As long as it takes. Sucks right?! There isn’t a secret formula to getting over someone however, you can make it easier on yourself.
1. Give yourself time to be sad.
You are allowed to be sad. It hurts to break up with someone. It’s called grief and it will come in waves. You will have moments of anger, sadness, thoughts of regret – an exhausting range of emotions. Even if it was mutual it is going to hurt.
Tip: Pushing down the sadness will only prolong the grief.
2. Stop stalking them on social media.
Let’s be honest you look at their Insta hoping that they are having a horrible time but you see a photo of them at a party. BOOM now you are sad. Your ex is going to post photos of them being happy. Do you post photos of you ugly crying? Probably not, so why would they? This is the most common form of self-sabotage after a break up. You think you will be able to go to your ex’s page, look at a pic of them and their new bae and you will feel better but you don’t. Now you are diving deep into their page looking for clues on how miserable they are but you don’t find anything. Stop it! Put down the phone! This is only going to make you feel bad. And for God’s sake, DON’T text them. Think of Dua Lipa’s song New Rules.
Tip: After a break up is a perfect time for a social media detox because it’s likely most things will make you sad on social media at this point in time.
3. Keep yourself busy but not too busy
You want to be active in your self-care routine. We aren’t avoiding those sad feelings and we aren’t letting them take over our lives either. The important thing to remember is to find that balance between allowing yourself to be sad and keeping yourself engaged in your life. If you have to, schedule some sad times. Plan to put on a sad movie, be in your comfy pajamas, and let it out. Or just sit and be in your moment allowing ebbs and flows of thought and feeling. Seriously, I wanna hear those audible sobs. It’s good for you.
Tip: After a breakup is a perfect time to start that hobby you’ve been thinking about: pick up a new book, try a new restaurant, do that thing that your ex never wanted to do.
4. Reflection
Journal, see a therapist, read a self help book, use this time as a time of reflection. What went wrong? What did I learn? How can I keep myself from repeating the same thing? Were there warning signs I ignored? Ask yourself hard questions. What did I do that I am not proud of? How can I practice more self-love so that I’m not treated like that again? The beautiful saying of ‘we repeat what we do not repair’ should be in the forefront of your mind after a breakup. What do you need to repair within yourself so that you don’t get stuck in the same cycle? Reflecting is not about self-deprecation but about learning where you need to grow. Reflecting is both hard and empowering.
Tip: No pain no gain is actually terrible workout advice. It is, however, a therapeutic reality. Reach out, let me help you through it.
Need some guidance on books to read? Check out my list of recommended books.
Looking for more help with navigating your break up? Contact me for individual therapy today!
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