Why Won’t You Apologize?

I was introduced to Harriet Learner’s work through Brene Brown’s podcast and knew I had to read the book Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

Here is a snapshot of what I learned.

• Apologies don’t include the words ‘but’ and ‘if.’They don’t say “look what you made me do,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Those words are super invalidating. When you say “I’m sorry I hurt you but I was really upset too.” The person only hears what comes after the but.  Try using and or just leave the second part out completely because the apology is not about your feelings. 

• Apologies are not to make you feel better.Yuck, I know. Apologies are for repairing the relationship. This means you have to sit in your yuck. 

• Asking for forgiveness is a no-no.One because it rushes the hurt party’s healing process and two because everyone defines forgiveness differently. When you ask for forgiveness you asking the hurt party to get on with their sadness. You highlighting that you are uncomfortable and it’s not about your discomfort.

• Over apologizing makes you appear less confident and could turn you into the victim.Remember the apology is for the hurt party but if you try to apologize your way out of the situation, you’re taking the pain of the hurt party and putting it on yourself. You’re invalidating their experience by highlighting your misery. 

• The book goes on to help you with your defensiveness because when someone gives you feedback after apologizing it’s normal to be defensive.The important thing is to keep listening. Remember it’s not about you. 

• When someone apologizes don’t follow up with ‘It’s okay,’ because if it was okay they wouldn’t need to apologize.I am guilty of this. Try saying “I appreciate your apology.” When someone apologizes to you it’s because they have something wrong and it’s not your job to comfort them.

• Apologies only work if changed behavior happens.