- I should exercise more.
- I should be making more money.
- I should have more friends.
- I shouldn’t say that to myself.
- I shouldn’t feel that way.
- I shouldn’t think that.
The word should is such a binding word. When we use these words they are commanding and when we don’t do our should’s we feel like a failure. It’s such a harsh way of speaking to ourselves. I challenge you to replace the words ‘should’ with ‘want’ in every scenario.
- I want to exercise more.
- I want to make more money.
- I want more friends.
- What is do wrong with me thinking that
- What’s wrong with the way I feel
- What’s wrong with how I speak with myself
Can you see how much more choice you have when you say these things? It challenges you to think about the expectation you hold for yourself versus what you actually want. Maybe you don’t actually want to exercise more. Maybe that ‘should’ is more about your not liking the way your body looks. Therefore, your ‘should’ isn’t about exercising, it’s about the relationship you have with your body. Whether through exercise or not the relationship you have with your body needs more self-love. Changing the should help give your brain perspective.
If your “should” is about friends, maybe you are feeling lonely. Maybe it’s not about getting more friends but rather strengthening the relationship you have with your friends. Or maybe you don’t have friends who build and support you, and you want more mutual and fulfilling friendships.
When we say, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” what are you really saying? You are telling yourself that your feelings are wrong or invalid. Your feelings aren’t wrong. But maybe you need to unlearn the maladaptive story you hold in your head about how you should be feeling. Or maybe you are looking for better ways to cope with your feelings.
Finding out the story behind your “should’s” and why they are placed there can create such a healing space for yourself.
Journal reflection question:
- What am I really concerned about when I say should?
- Who is telling me this story? Society? Family? Friends?
- If you want to go deeper. When was the first time I thought this? Or the first time I was told this?
- How do I want my life to look without this should?
What should and have to do you struggle with? Tell me in the comments below.
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