Blood is thicker than water, an old proverb we use to describe how family ties should be stronger than any other relationship. Many of us think of this proverb as unconditional love, that we will love them no matter what they do and stand by their side regardless of what we think about their actions, but we really mean unconditional tolerance. Many hold the belief that we should stick by our family regardless of what they say or do.
Let’s break this down by deconstructing these terms and learn more about healthy relationships.
First, let’s define unconditional love and unconditional tolerance.
Unconditional love is loving someone with no limitations or conditions. You love them even when they mess up. You accept them fully for who they are and love every part of them. For example, your sister loves to collect bugs and you find bugs repulsive. You love to watch her talk about her bug collection, but she doesn’t show you your bug collection because you will freak out. You love her even though your interests are different, and there are boundaries in place (i.e. not showing you the bugs) that make you both feel safe to share in the experience.
Unconditional tolerance is perpetual acceptance, even in the face of behaviors that may breach personal values or inflict harm. It implies turning a blind eye to actions that may be harmful or toxic. For example, you and your sister enjoy shopping together but sometimes when you do, she slips stolen items in your purse. You tell her to stop, but she does it again. This happens over and over. When you continue to go shopping with her you are tolerating her behavior. You put up with her because she is your sister, and you have to (this is what most people mean blood is thicker than water. They’re family, so you have to tolerate it).
Let me blow your mind here. If you’ve been reading my blog or you’ve been in a therapy session with me I say “yes and,” all of the time, so here is another yes and situation for you. You can love someone unconditionally and not tolerate their toxic behavior. (Please read that sentence again.) Unconditional love does not equate to an unconditional acceptance of behaviors that may prove detrimental or incompatible with the well-being of yourself or the relationship. You can love her sister unconditionally and not tolerate her making you shoplift for her.
As we’ve explored the definitions of unconditional love and unconditional tolerance, it becomes clear that while love knows no bounds, tolerance requires a discerning eye for behaviors that may be harmful or toxic. The revelation here is that we can indeed love someone unconditionally without necessarily tolerating behaviors that compromise our well-being or the integrity of the relationship. It’s a powerful realization that emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, communicating openly, and fostering healthy relationships that stand the test of time. So, let’s redefine the narrative and embrace the idea that love, though unconditional, can coexist with the wisdom to say “no” when necessary – ensuring that our bonds remain not only familial but also fundamentally respectful and nurturing.
Leave a Reply