“I had good parents,” is something I hear all the time. This is a way to protect your parents from their part in your pain. A lot of time clients come in thinking they are the ones solely responsible for their hurt. You may be responsible for your behaviors and actions however, understanding where they come from is a part of the healing process. You learned these self-destructive behaviors from somewhere, either as a developed coping skill to survive your environment or learned directly from them. Your parents/caregivers are the most influential people in your life during your developmental years. Yes, your parents can be good parents and they are human and they are going to do things that hurt you.
It’s an and/both situation
In one breath someone will tell me stories about how their parents were abusive to them and say that they were good parents. The good side of the parent provided for the child (clothes, food, toys, etc.) and the bad side beat them when they were acting out. (Side note – children will act out because they are children. It’s the parent’s job to help them emotionally regulate. When parents beat them it’s usually due to their own lack of skills in emotional regulation.) Parents can provide for and harm their children. The good parts don’t discount the bad. Every part matters. You may have precious memories of your parent as well as bad ones. It’s a gray area or and/both situations.
Sometimes it’s subtle and unintentional
Sometimes the way parents hurt us is subtle and unintentional. For example, the mother comments on her own body in front of her daughter. There is messaging on how bodies should look to receive love/acceptance. That same mom might only say seemly positive things about her daughter’s body like ‘you’re so skinny,’ but the underlining message is to stay skinny to be loved. When the daughter grows up and her body changes (because it’s a normal human experience) and she is not as skinny as she once was she begins to make negative comments about her body just like her mother (we call this emotional inheritance). While the mother didn’t say negative things directly towards her daughter, the daughter interpreted the message about how bodies are “supposed to look” in order to be accepted/loved.
Look At Your Parents’ Patterns
If you find patterns in your behaviors, find that you are attracted to the wrong people, or have self-destructive behaviors I challenge you to look at your past. Look at your parents’ patterns. Do they have the same patterns? Or did you learn this behavior/belief as a way to survive your environment? Maybe your parents weren’t people pleasers but held high expectations for you as a child. They love you and want you to succeed. You got good grades and were good at sports to make them happy. This messaging doesn’t have to be explicitly said to you, it can be how you interpret the situation. Maybe somewhere along the line, you learned that if you were good at sports they praised you more and they were less vocal when you lost, so the pressure to perform grew. That behavior or pleasing your parents to get praise stuck with you to adulthood. How many times have you gone out of your way to do something you didn’t want to do to make someone else happy (boss, friend, boyfriend, etc.)? We repeat what we don’t repair. This goes for a family system that passes it from generation to generation and for an individual who repeats it within themselves.
For the parents
It is inevitable that you will do something that hurts your child.
- Give yourself grace because you are human, not perfect.
- Give your child space to talk about. If you know you’ve messed up apologize to them as soon as possible. Own it and acknowledge their pain.
- If you don’t know that you’ve messed up and they come to you about it, check your defensiveness at the door. They are telling you they are hurt and it’s your responsibility as the parents, no matter how old the child is, to create a space where you can hear them. Apologies for hurting regardless of whether you intended to hurt them or not. Apologies are not about intentions they are about the impact.
- Know that you can always repair a relationship if you keep the windows of communication open. This means listening to understand your children’s point of view and owning your stuff.
Phew, I know this one is quite heavy but’s important to know that two truths can exist at the same time. We can have parents who mean well and have hurt us. The good news is you can heal, even if your parents can’t provide you space to talk about the pain they have caused you. You break cycles that your family has been passing down for generations. It’s not easy and it’s worth it. You are worth it.
Reading recommendations – Adults Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson and Why Won’t You Apologize by Harriet Learner
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